Friday, December 4, 2015

Still . . . I love Life


December 4

I sat down to write my blog this morning and wanted very much to keep it light and positive - with no mention of challenges or anxiety. Then I realized in doing that, I wouldn't be true to me. And if I want to do anything in writing daily, it is wanting to remain true to what I am feeling each and every day. And some days are harder than others.

So while I am sitting here trying to find my words, I decided to click through some of my dear online friends blogs and see if  could find the inspiration I needed to pull the happy out of me. I stumbled upon a blog post of a dear art friend, Kelli May-Krenz, and it hit home. It's about anxiety . . . and her strong unending determination to love life, even when it is hard (you can read her post here, if you'd like.)

OH, that genius Kelli! Today, she pinned the tail on the donkey for me.

110%

Because I do love life - truly and deeply.

But today, it is hard.

For no reason other than what I have done - the situations I have put myself in - the scenarios I have created - the relationships I have allowed.

And some days, it is hard.

I do think I suffer from a tad bit of anxiety. ("Tad???" I can hear my husband asking.)

I have never been clinically diagnosed, because to be clinically diagnosed, that would mean you would have to go and see someone and talk about what I am feeling. And why would I go and talk about what I am feeling? Isn't that just me admitting that I am not in control - not able to handle it all - isn't that admitting that I am weak? No, these are not real questions I am asking. These are just the thoughts that go through my head as I struggle with "hard" days.

So, no . . . I have never been clinically diagnosed. But I feel it hard some days.

I searched through my iPhone for a photo to add to this post, and found this blurry one I took sometime this past summer of a carousal at the nearby shopping mall. THIS is how I feel. Like things are moving at a record speed today - there is much to be done, not enough hours to do it all, people who need my help when I just can't give it, people who I have let down, people with attitudes, guilt, people who make me feel like crap, people who don't understand me - and all I am doing is standing there watching it all move quickly pass me - over and over again.

Some days, I just want the ride to slow down a bit - so I can see things clearly - so I can take it in.

And that is the hardest part.

It seems like it never does.

I'm ok, friends. I am. I feel so grateful to have this little space in the universe to collect my thoughts. But I am JUST FINE. Because even in the midst of all of this . . . I can honestly say that I still love life. And I know, no matter what, that tomorrow is another day.

For now, know that I am thinking of you all and so very grateful that you chose to spend a few minutes with me. I feel your strength, and am taking it in.

Peace, dears.

xoxo

UPDATE - 10 MINUTES LATER: 
I am a hot mess. I know it. My sister knows it. Most of my close friends know it. I am teaching an art class (more on that in other blog post) tonight for 30 women. We are making button Christmas trees, and I have been buying, collecting, counting green buttons more than you could imagine. As the class size grew, I bought some additional buttons a few weeks ago - four LARGE packs of green buttons - and could not find them this morning. I could not find them ANYWHERE.

Thus . . . the anxiety kicked in.

I searched high and low, up and down, in and out of every single part of my very chaotic (yes, it is a hot mess, too) art space. Couldn't find them.

Anxiety. Can you feel it?

So, I sat and wrote about it here.

Within 2 minutes of posting this blog . . . I opened the VERY FIRST BIN that I looked in when starting the whole search . . . and THERE THEY WERE. RIGHT ON TOP. LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. LIKE I WAS NUTS.

VERY FIRST BIN, I tell ya.

So, yes. I still Love Life. Those anxiety moments when you can't even breath, and the moments when things fall into place.

Peace. And thank you for hanging in with me, hot mess and all. Always.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

He's Home! Wahoo!!

                               

My honey (PG, the husband, the one who makes my heart full) returned home last night from what I believe is his last trip of the year. I think. (�� maybe I better confirm.)

He travels for his job, a lot. 

Some trips I welcome - I can tell when he is getting antsy and needs a change of scenery, and the space does us both some good. But this fall - his trips have been a bit challenging for me, seem to have fallen on the very weeks when I am SUPER busy with life, and I have missed him terribly. 

I sleep better when he is home. 

Ok, just confirmed . . . One more overnight mid month, then we are done. 

I can handle that. 

It's funny - I always say that when he is gone for a longer period of time, the adrenaline kicks in and I am super organized, get the housework and chores and work and kids stuff done, and go into some sort of autopilot mode. When he comes home, I usually crash the first day he is back. Crash, hard. 

And tonight, I feel a crash coming on . . . 

Sigh. 

And it feels oh so good. 

Wishing you peace, my friends. 
Xo xo 

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Perfect Being Me

 
December 2

What a cathartic morning. 

Truly. 

I didn't wake planning on making such a move. But the universe called me to do it . . . and it felt so good.

Going through a stack of books I intend to donate today, I came across one that was gifted to me by a couple of former bosses many years ago - at least 5, I am thinking. I worked for a healthcare consulting company at the time, and the more I think about - the funnier it is (that I was working for a healthcare consulting company, and this was what the bosses distributed to all of us. Not a book on business practices, or a book on job focus, organization, or skill building. No.)

They gave a book by Iyanla Vanzant. A book about spiritual strength and personal growth. 

Now, I am not here to slam Iyanla - I think she is brilliant. Truly. An inner peaceful and soulful person who has changed the lives of MANY - a woman who has even said things that have changed mine. I love her. Adore her. I think she walks the talk. Big time. I love her philosophy, her words and her teachings. But I also think that there is a place for it. And I don't know if giving it to your employees as a mandatory reading exercise is one of those times.

I guess it wasn't even the book itself that bothers me - it has rested on my bookshelf since the day I brought it home. From time to time I would pick it up and open the cover . . . but I could rarely get past the inscription. Yes, that is what I felt was most puzzling - the message written inside the book by my then bosses. 

"Leanne, Your willingness to look at your darkness is what empowers you to change." 

Here is what I find most amusing about the sentiment - written by a very new CEO to the company at that time. . . she didn't know me. At all. 

And what I feel now, five years later . . . Is that I didn't need to change. 

Took me five years to realize.

That I didn't need to change.
 
That must come with age - that acceptance of being good with who you are. I think during the many decades of being on this earth - we go through those periods when we are trying to be someone we aren't, when we are trying to be accepted, when we are trying to prove ourselves, when we are trying to make everyone else happy. And then all of a sudden - it hits you. That YOU are pretty great - just as you are. That you are, in your core, a good person. You treat others as you would like to be treated. And while you may not be a size 8, or have the biggest house on the block, or wear the fanciest jewels . . . that you are pretty great as you are.
 
So, today . . . after holding it in my hands and realizing that it was full of bad feelings and brought me no joy what-so-ever, I decided it was time to get rid of this book. But I had to do one thing first. Add my thoughts to that inscription.

note to the giver: (5 years later) I didn't need to change.
note to the next reader:  You are perfect as you are!
- Leanne 

And it made me smile. A big, huge, wide-eyed smile. 

I can't wait to donate it today. And I hope whoever opens the cover will receive it's message with a smile, too.
 
xo xo
 
Side note: Funny . . . the person who was the mastermind behind the distribution of these to the staff only survived one year at the company, was sued for embezzling hundreds of thousands of dollars from the company, and fled the country. I couldn't have written that story better if I tried. It sort of adds a whole other level into the message, doesn't it?
 
Wishing you Peace, my friends. And remember . . . you are PERFECT just as you are.
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